It doesn't feel like home
by thundervolt
Summary: They could barely hold a civil conversation that didn't revolve around work or Sophia. So to even think they'll be cuddling any time soon would be wishful thinking or pure idiocy.


**_SURPRISE I'M BACK! my only excuse has three words...FIFA world cup! My productivity has been lowered to -100%. Bet you guys didn't know it could get that low, did ya, did ya. Anyways here we go. I don't own nothin wawawaawaawaaaa..._**

* * *

Callie's POV

STUPID.

This whole thing is stupid! My father's stupid for suggesting and planting this idea in my head and as for I, I'm stupid for going through with it. And now, I have my estranged wife waiting in bed for me while I'm hiding in the bathroom. It was one thing when she cheated on me but now that I know that she had a liaison, with an intern none the less, while we were separated makes me seriously doubt this trial at reconciling our marriage. Oooh, I could always jump out the window! No, that won't do since we're on the fifth floor. Or better yet, I should simply walk in the bedroom and tell her that it won't work and that we can blame the whole ordeal on temporary insanity on my part. I then suddenly remember the reasons why I thought we could do this and the reasons why I went and asked her to come back home. And the biggest reason being that we ARE stronger than one mistake. At least that is what I tell myself.

Arizona's POV

I'm trying to count the cracks on the bedroom ceiling, hoping it'll calm my nerves. And guess what, it doesn't. I can feel my heart thundering in my chest and despite everything I tried it won't calm down. I know Callie said that we could do this and that she trying to forgive me and get pass this but now I'm seriously doubting it. Maybe Murphy was right. I mean I could've kept our sexual encounters, or whatever they're called, a secret. Maybe it would've been a better idea to never have told Callie about them because now I feel like whatever steps forward we took have just been set back. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed for her to let me back in our bed. She needed the space and I should have given it to her. And the way she looked at me after I told her… I thought the way she looked at me at the Gala was unbearable, and it was, but to relive it again, that's got be a new level of unbearable. Although I know our reconciliation would've been easier if I had kept it a secret, it would not have been better for our relationship if Callie ever came to find out on her own. I look toward the bathroom door wondering why it was taking her so long to come out. I am kind of relieved she's not out yet but deep down inside I'm terrified she might be rethinking this and ended up asking me to leave.

Callie's POV

I take one last look in the mirror before taking a deep breath and putting my hand on the door handle. I pause with my hand still on the handle, eyes closed and my forehead resting on the door. We cannot fix our marriage with me hiding in the bathroom, refusing to come out. If I do so, what would have been the point of me asking Arizona to come back home. I quickly exhale and open the door, turn off the light and close it behind me. I barely look at her as I make my way to my side of the bed. I can feel her eyes boring holes into my back but I still do not look at her. As I sit on the bed, I wonder to myself when will it stop being so difficult, when will things stop being so hard. I know that relationships take work but the work we have to do might just be too much. All throughout Arizona's recovery, it has been nothing but hard work and the amount of times where I just wanted to quit and walk away are more than I'm willing to say. And we're back there again, the place where quitting and running away sound more appealing than staying and fighting through all this mess. I resolve myself to lie down, my back to Arizona as I say a quiet and rushed goodnight over my shoulder. As I stare into space I can't help but wonder if it'll always be like this, where everything we do and say is going to take effort, planning and just be so damn arduous.

Arizona's POV

I finally hear the door open and I can help but feel nervous once again. Callie slowly comes out of the bathroom and walks in the bedroom without once looking at me. I don't know how I feel about it, in one hand I'm not going to lie and say I'm not relieved that she's not kicking me out but on the other, her not looking at me or talking to me isn't any better. My eyes do not leave her for one moment and there is so much I want to say but maybe tonight is not the time to do so and besides, she clearly doesn't want to speak to me. She finally lies down beside me and tells me goodnight. It was so quiet that I nearly missed it. I whisper it back to her knowing that it's all I'm going get. How did we get so messed up? Okay, yes I know how. Plane fell out of the sky, people died, my leg got amputated, and I blamed Callie, treated her horribly, cheated on her and slept with an intern. And now, silence is what that lays between us. Silence and disappointment.

General POV

All Arizona wanted was to have Callie in her arms but she knew that that was impossible. They could barely hold a civil conversation that didn't revolve around work or Sophia. So to even think they'll be cuddling any time soon would be wishful thinking or pure idiocy. And yet, holding Callie in her arms was all she could think about ever since they shared that hug in the exam room before Murphy interrupted them. Callie wasn't doing any better herself. The distance between them was a necessity but it was taking all her efforts to not throw caution into the wind, turn around and embrace her wife. Not having her wife by her side all those months while she was sleeping was more than uncomfortable. And frankly, it'd left her lonelier than she ever thought she could ever be. Now that Arizona was back at her side it somehow still felt like the exact same way than when she wasn't.

«Are we okay? » Arizona suddenly asked.

Callie didn't answer right away. She could lie and tell her that yes, they were but that would be pushing all their issues under the rug. But she didn't feel like telling the truth either because no matter how bad things were she couldn't bring herself to hurt Arizona. Still, she decided on saying the truth.

« No, no we're not. » She simply stated, leaving so much unsaid.

«Are we ever going to be? »

«Eventually, I hope» Callie said truthfully.

« I …goodnight. » Arizona sighed back when what she really wanted to say was; I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, I missed you.

Callie knew that she was about to say something, perhaps she was going to apologize and she knew she should probably encourage her to open up but she settled for « Yeah, goodnight »


End file.
